Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
