Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
