Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
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