Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
