Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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