We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
