it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
