saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
