i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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