So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
