I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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