There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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