Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
