from now on my penis is your penis
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
