Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
