haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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