do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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