I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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