Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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