I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
