A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
