I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
tell me about the eggs
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
