I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
