How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
