Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.