did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.