M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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