so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
