what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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