there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
