don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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