so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
you traded sex for a burrito?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
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