exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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