you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
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I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
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Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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