When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
