i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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