hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
