cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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