I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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