after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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