On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
