Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
