God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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