Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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