Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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