Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
