i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
