So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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