im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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