Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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