i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
