Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
