Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
