apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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