My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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