I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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