There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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