Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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