I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
