two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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