Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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