Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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