The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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