My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
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its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
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We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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